Hi guys, I will not be updating here anymore; I've moved to another location, so all of you whiz on over there ok. My new address is -

http://sunset-rain.diaryland.com/

Thanks!

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11:24 p.m. - 2007-04-14

I’m so sick and tired of the way we handle things.
Dragging fights for days for goodness knows why.
With cold words that even acquaintances don’t use.
Like what is the big deal? I don’t even know.
Every time,
Every single time
Every little thing gets blown out of proportion and sucks the life out of us,
When we can just talk. Yes, talk. It is something that is somewhat alien right now, what with all the blame flying around, I don’t think talking exists anymore.
I wonder if it is the issue, or is it us – that we just love fighting,
That we just refuse to be happy,
That we just can’t stand being around each other,
That we just love to self-destruct what we have,
That we just enjoy being freaking miserable all the time.

I’m tired and I’m angry.
If there was an opportunity overseas right now, I’d pack my bags in a minute and fly off without a word.

-
1:50 a.m. - 2007-04-14

Distressed and f-ing angry.

-
8:55 p.m. - 2007-04-13

Making up, if it is even considered making up, is no longer that great;
In fact, it’s so bitter I could almost laugh.
No cuddling and coo-ing, no I’m so glad we’re past this. No dearies or lovey-doveys.
So much anger, so little love.
Nobody really wants to make it better.
Maybe nobody really feels enough anymore to want to try.
“It’s not possible to go back to what it was, things are different now.”

I’m just deflated. So much for love. So much for wanting the person so much you’ll do anything. So much for hope. There is no.such.thing.

So we’ll both wait it out, drag it until its very last dying breath, until there is nothing more.

-
12:23 a.m. - 2007-04-13

When you feel like you no longer know this person,
When you’ve reached a stage where you both don’t really care anymore,
Where cold silences can last for days,
And nobody has the mind to make the first move,
When you call and the person says don’t expect that I’d make you feel good,
When things are left to fester and rot until nothing is left,

Why prolong the misery if nobody thinks it’s important anymore?

It’s not the big fights and the strong words that hurt the most,
It’s when you feel that something is lost, and you can’t get it back.

i need clothes.
10:18 p.m. - 2007-04-07

Went on a wild goose chase to look for office wear for an internship interview today because I don’t have a single piece I could wear (oh woe is my wardrobe), and it was one tough mission! Trudged up and down Far East so many times I wanted to spew blood. Finally got a pair of pinstriped grey pants and a white black-striped shirt. I’m not sure it’s as classy as I wanted, but what more could I do on a limited budget?
Plus I walked away with one crucial observation – women with big hips do NOT look good in those office pants. (Ergo, me) sigh.

I’m going to Hokkaido this summer! Yay!

-
10:37 p.m. - 2007-04-04

I don’t know if you’d get to read this, but maybe it’s better if you don’t.
You tell me not to worry about you,
But you know it’s impossible for me not to.
You know how important you are,
And it really breaks my heart to see this happening to you.
I wish that you’d be truly happy again,
I wish I can see your smile touch your eyes.
I wish bad things never happen to you,
Because I don’t know what I’d do if they did.

But maybe the reason why I am so troubled,
Is because life is hard for me too sometimes. Like right now. Like yesterday. Like a few days back.
And I’m tempted as well, tempted.
In many ways we are alike, and I know we feel just as strongly when bad things happen.
And the reason why I still stay, the reason why I say no, is because of friends like you.

So please be here, and do this for us my friend. Stay.

my week
9:45 p.m. - 2007-03-28

It’s been a good week so far,
Except that the intermittent cloudy weather seems to be rousing up some melancholic feelings and a sense of unease.
Still, I’m doing ok! And feeling happy on the whole.
Had a nice weekend with my family at the Siloso Beach Resort –
A walk along the sandy beach,
Cocktails under an umbrella at a bar filled with sofas and beds,
A nice, long soak in the bathtub,
Buffet breakfast at the open air rooftop overlooking a vast expense of the sea,
And a swim in the pool with a soak in the Jacuzzi.
Got a huge bruise on my hip for sliding down the watery slides in the pool repeatedly. Ouch.

Then there were dinners, studying, and watching loads of videos with Mr goof, lazing the day away.

Borrowed goof's nintendo ds lite for a few days and I absolutely love it! Completely hooked onto it right now; I should give it back. I want my own nintendoggie =(

I ran out of things to say, my life is boring! What I would do for the holidays to hurry along. Sigh.

-
12:00 a.m. - 2007-03-18

I don’t how much more battering my body can take.
Blow after blow after blow after blow.
One after another, striking me down every time I try to stand up again.
I just want a bit of breathing space in between, just some space. Why is it so hard?
I’m so tired, so frustrated I just want to cry angry tears and run away.

funny story
9:58 p.m. - 2007-03-17

Guess what? I just had someone request from my ebay account to buy old bras from me that have to be worn for a day before sending them out.
Interesting huh? And this person (guy or girl, I have no idea) is actually serious about it, and sounds quite like any other buyer on ebay.
I’m taking a sexuality module, so I’d better put my education into practice and refrain from using judgmental, moralistic tones to people’s….erm…intriguing sexual fantasies.
After all, old bras don’t hurt anybody, right?
Still, I find myself being rather amused! Heh.

troubled
10:33 p.m. - 2007-03-15

Fretting over the future that lies ahead of me,
Wondering if I have made the wrong decisions.
Where do I go from here?

Weighing interests and practicality,
Weighing choices made, and current situation,
Weighing opportunities available and costs,
Weighing competition and my own abilities,
Weighing obstacles in front of me.

I don’t know what I should do, or where I should go,
But all I want is a career that I really love.
I just wish I could fly away right now to achieve something that I’m proud of.

-
1:16 a.m. - 2007-03-15

Exploded into pieces, the sharp edges cut into what’s left of my face, my heart.
You hate me.
And maybe I do that to everyone, I make them all hate me to the core.
So maybe I deserve this, I deserved every anger-filled shard you hurl at me.
And maybe I’m just built this way, lousy, selfish and unreasonable.
And I’m ‘responsible for this whole shit’ that is happening,
And apologies don’t work; caring for the people around you doesn’t either.
I’m just not worth it; I know you know that by now.

-
2:08 p.m. - 2007-03-11

I hate to measure friendships this way, but sometimes the only way you can see how important you are to a friend, is when practical help is needed.
Honestly I hate asking people for favours;
I think it’s a load of crap because I don’t believe people are dependable or nice enough to do something for you when there is nothing in return for them, just on the account that I asked, so I never ask unless I absolutely have to.
So when I do ask and people scramble for an excuse mid-squirm or don’t answer at all,
I can see that I am right.
Though I can’t help feeling a little disappointed still.

Anyway thanks a million zillion to those who are helping me.

magdalene sisters
8:43 p.m. - 2007-03-06

“The Magdalene Sisters was released in 2002 and winner of BEST PICTURE at the Venice Film Festival. Based on true events, the film is set in Ireland, during a time whereby Catholicism wielded considerable power and influence. Following the Catholic doctrine of labeling women as temptations and men as those who will fall to temptations, “fallen women” were locked away in church-run institutions. These church-run institutions run laundries for the twin purposes of income and having the “fallen” women “wash” away their sins. The film follows three women who, in today’s liberal outlook, have done nothing to deserve the label of “fallen” women – Margaret, who was raped by a cousin; Rose, an unwed young mother; and Bridgette, a pretty and feisty schoolgirl who flirted with the boys."
(This was written by a classmate of mine in my advanced gender studies module, which I thought summarized it very well.)

I love this movie, every disturbing, agonizing, triumphant part of it.
It takes your soul and twists it into pieces; and it made me cheer at every minor victory and curse at the injustices and unimaginable torture.
I was a little scarred by the movie and documentary it was based on (Sex in a cold climate), and I think every one of us would feel just as horrified at what happens -
women incarcerated and seen as sinners without reason and forced to wash linens all day long with no pay; women not allowed to have any friendships or even speak; women punished by beating or shaving their heads; women restricted to a regimen of prayer that aims to desexualize and dehumanize all of them; women forced to endure humilation and insults by the nuns for their own pleasure.

No one should ever deserve such a treatment; it really is every woman’s nightmare. I feel really strongly about these issues and it is particularly why I minored in gender in the first place. I think it clearly shows how people can disabuse their authoritative power to a point where it is seen as acceptable to personally take these women’s lives and cause irreparable damage. It is also obvious how people can misconstrue God’s gentleness and love for all of us and wrench it around to serve their own selfish power desires.

Everyone should watch this at least once in their lifetime, really!

relieved
9:30 p.m. - 2007-03-04

I usually don’t like thinking about the future,
I mean let’s face it; you can’t predict what’s going to happen.
But sometimes, the thing you didn’t expect is what you really wanted after all.
Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you’re going, and just enjoy where you’re at.
-Scrubs

It has been a rather nasty week; two weeks in fact, of rollercoaster emotions. But fortunately the end of the week was a stark difference from when it started. Things have turned around totally and changed for the better; I had three really nice days and am really hoping for more. Sigh I just wish it could be like this all the time.

On another note, congratulations to my bestie and ryan for such a great performance! We’re all so bloody proud!

And I got a surprise paperback from him. *beams*